Flower

Every day feels like groundhog day. I go to sleep peacefully and then wake up very early and yep . . . I still got it. Then I cry a little and then I want to punch the pillow but I can't because I will wake up my sweet husband. Then I lie awake staring at the wall for an hour saying to myself: I can beat this. I can squish it. I will win.  

I realized this morning, as I am staring at the dark 4:30am walls, this obviously  happened for a reason. I think this happened to slow me down, to make me enjoy life more, to take it all in, to appreciate my children and to be thankful for what I DO have. AS usual, I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Ok - hate that analogy. 

My life usually goes like this: up early, feed kids, make snacks, kids out the door then I go to work, shoot, work, speak with clients, try to get more work, work, work  (but I really love my work). Then kids get off bus, clean house, laundry piles and piles, make snacks, activities, dinner, clean, grocery store etc. repeat. But I really can't complain, most families do this and hey, I am healthy so I REALLY CAN'T complain. I got it good, actually really good. Except one thing I am missing. I am so busy that I am not enjoying it all. So busy I miss my children even though they are standing right in front of me. So busy I think I forgot what a flower smells like. 

So Thank you, I guess, Cancer, for halting my life, telling me to take hopefully only 6 months off of work (hint hint). Slow the heck down and smell a rose and be more present.

Tomorrow is the day I finally, FINALLY find out what treatments I am going to be on. The day I will feel like I am ready to go to war with this lemon. To have a purpose. As of right now, not knowing anything is the worst feeling. Feeling lost, dazed and confused.  

Peace and Love.

 . . . and go smell a flower . . .

February 5th

First let me thank my sister for getting me into one of the best programs out there at Yale with Dr. Herbst. I feel lucky. Hope he feels lucky too.  : )  

Waiting . . . waiting . . . waiting . . . the hardest part . . . I think . . . of this entire process.

I had a PET scan on Friday and they are also growing my tissue samples from the lemon in my lung. This will tell them what kind of treatment will work best with my genetic makeup. 

FYI, there is a lot of Dr. words and scientific sentences I am sure I will mess up but I am a newbie and just trying to figure it all out. So please be patient with me.  : ) 

Tuesday is supposed to be the big day . . . the reveal . . . I will find out if there are any more cancer bits in my chest. They said my lymph nodes are swollen and possibly have cancer in them (we'll know from PET scan Tuesday) and also what type of cancer we are dealing with here.

I imagine I will go immediately into radiation to make the lemon smaller so I can breathe better and stop this annoying cough. I feel like people look at me like I have been a smoker since I was born. Yes . . . that bad. 

I will be in touch after Tuesday to let everyone know the next steps. Radiation will be 5 days a week for 6 weeks, and then one of the other treatments. I am hoping I match up with the one that I can take a magic pill and this nightmare will all just go away. Fingers and toes crossed for that one. 

Update

Jan 23rd - 1st blog

Today . . . the day my life changed. The moment you hear the words slowly come out of the Dr.s mouth . . . "You. have. c  a  n  c  e  r.  It is just like you would expect it to be . . . like Charlie Browns teacher. "Wah waaaah waaaaah . . . " Like this large fog of denial that hits you so hard that you can't hear the words. My face dropped. My mouth dropped further down. Um . . . you must be in the wrong room. I am here because they think I have Tuberculosis. The charts must be wrong. No . . . sorry, ma'am (wait I still look young). Yes. It is true. You have a lemon size mass in your lung. It is cancer. The words you never think you will EVER here. EVER. I eat so healthy, I work out at Orange . . . orange and lemons are friends (not fair!). I sleep 8 hours a night. I am a good person . . . craziness!!!

As I sat there in the hospital, the only thing I could think about was my 3 beautiful children at home and my Paul. How the hell are we going to do this? We were just about to put our house on the market, move closer to the city so his commute would be better and now this . . . I guess this is a sign I need to stay here in Easton a bit longer. Focus on me, slow way way down, and just be.

Thank you for reading . . .  if you are reading this. It is therapeutic for me. Please excuse any typos as I am a photographer : )  

Big kisses.  

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