Every day feels like groundhog day. I go to sleep peacefully and then wake up very early and yep . . . I still got it. Then I cry a little and then I want to punch the pillow but I can't because I will wake up my sweet husband. Then I lie awake staring at the wall for an hour saying to myself: I can beat this. I can squish it. I will win.
I realized this morning, as I am staring at the dark 4:30am walls, this obviously happened for a reason. I think this happened to slow me down, to make me enjoy life more, to take it all in, to appreciate my children and to be thankful for what I DO have. AS usual, I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Ok - hate that analogy.
My life usually goes like this: up early, feed kids, make snacks, kids out the door then I go to work, shoot, work, speak with clients, try to get more work, work, work (but I really love my work). Then kids get off bus, clean house, laundry piles and piles, make snacks, activities, dinner, clean, grocery store etc. repeat. But I really can't complain, most families do this and hey, I am healthy so I REALLY CAN'T complain. I got it good, actually really good. Except one thing I am missing. I am so busy that I am not enjoying it all. So busy I miss my children even though they are standing right in front of me. So busy I think I forgot what a flower smells like.
So Thank you, I guess, Cancer, for halting my life, telling me to take hopefully only 6 months off of work (hint hint). Slow the heck down and smell a rose and be more present.
Tomorrow is the day I finally, FINALLY find out what treatments I am going to be on. The day I will feel like I am ready to go to war with this lemon. To have a purpose. As of right now, not knowing anything is the worst feeling. Feeling lost, dazed and confused.
Peace and Love.
. . . and go smell a flower . . .