inner cheerleader

I wake up and think .. here we go again... another day. I wake up with the kids, make their breakfast, help them get dressed, prepare snacks, put them on the bus, clean the house, do laundry and repeat. Everyday.....I feel empty inside. How do stay at home moms always seem so happy?  My kids always say, "mom you don't laugh at  my jokes anymore", "mom you never smile, you are always so serious". It breaks my heart. 

I used to act more like a cheerleader. Singing morning songs to wake the kids up, being peppy every day and happy-with a constant smile. Cancer changed that. Thanks a lot.

You would think that everyday that I wake up, I would imagine..this could be the last day of my life or one of the last days of my life, and I instantly would be in a happy place. Yes. I know. A bit dramatic, but this is how my brain works.  I should be jumping for joy that I am alive and that every single moment is precious. I am one of the luckiest unluckiest people I know and I should be focusing on the lucky part.

So I started therapy last week.  I basically cried 2 sessions in,  I think you are supposed to? That is the natural way I guess. I was on anti depressants a while ago but now, I am no longer on them.  I wanted to be clear in my head as possible and do the mental work on my own. Lets just say, much harder then I thought. The therapist is helping so far, even if it is just the beginning.  She thinks I have been holding onto my emotions too long and I need to let them out, and set them free ....and that should help bring my happiness back some. This morning before the kids woke up, I did a little meditating and tried to let go of the anger and sadness. The day was much better because of it I believe. I felt more calm and at ease. Still no laughing though.

2 things I really want to get into more. Is working out. I know that will help, but my feet and ankles are so swollen from the meds it makes it hard to do much.  I also want to start a photography project for over the winter time. It will be still life as that is I used to shoot before kids fashion. I think about that a lot. As the creative juices need to be released or I become frustrated. 

I know I will be happy again. I have small moments of finding it within myself. And the kids and Paul make me feel good- I just need to concentrate on them.


peace and love.