Tuesday

The nervous, positive, hopeful Tuesday we have been waiting for for 2 weeks. It came, it went and set in pretty hard with me. Lets just say, I was maybe a little too hopeful for the results.  

The way the Drs. looked into my eyes when they came into the room to deliver the news. I will never forget. 

"Stage 4" they said and "We were surprised to see on the PET scan how much your cancer had spread as it did not show on the CAT scans."

Lets just say . . . the lemon just became much more sour. I am covered all over my chest (lymph nodes). The right side, the left side, the lemon in my lung and then my adrenal glands and then next to my liver, pancreas and my spine (my freakin' bones it is putting it's feet in). Speechless. Our fight is going to be a lot bigger now.  

I cried a little-lot, but was able to pull myself together and had my listening ears on (my kids always say that) and we talked about plans for 4 hours. In the end we decided that Wednesday, Feb 8th, I would go in for a blood transfusion as I am severely anemic. Friday, I would go in for a Bronchoscopy (biopsy down my throat) to grab more tissue as that is where most of my cancer is. They are wanting to start Immunotherapy on Tuesday while they wait for more results to come in. It is confusing - a lot of crazy Dr. words . . . so I will spare you. Just wanted to give you guys the overall update. 

We cannot thank you all enough for all the sign ups for helping hands and the donations, phone calls, emails and texts. It has made Paul and I feel so loved.  We are going to try our hardest and I am going to try my hardest to beat this. This is def the hardest moment of my life so far. 

If I don't return your call or email, please don't take it personally. I will when I can. I am taking time off from work and from the computer to truly focus on my health. I will, however, blog once in a while as it is super therapeutic for me.  

Much love,

Alix and Paul 

 

Flower

Every day feels like groundhog day. I go to sleep peacefully and then wake up very early and yep . . . I still got it. Then I cry a little and then I want to punch the pillow but I can't because I will wake up my sweet husband. Then I lie awake staring at the wall for an hour saying to myself: I can beat this. I can squish it. I will win.  

I realized this morning, as I am staring at the dark 4:30am walls, this obviously  happened for a reason. I think this happened to slow me down, to make me enjoy life more, to take it all in, to appreciate my children and to be thankful for what I DO have. AS usual, I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Ok - hate that analogy. 

My life usually goes like this: up early, feed kids, make snacks, kids out the door then I go to work, shoot, work, speak with clients, try to get more work, work, work  (but I really love my work). Then kids get off bus, clean house, laundry piles and piles, make snacks, activities, dinner, clean, grocery store etc. repeat. But I really can't complain, most families do this and hey, I am healthy so I REALLY CAN'T complain. I got it good, actually really good. Except one thing I am missing. I am so busy that I am not enjoying it all. So busy I miss my children even though they are standing right in front of me. So busy I think I forgot what a flower smells like. 

So Thank you, I guess, Cancer, for halting my life, telling me to take hopefully only 6 months off of work (hint hint). Slow the heck down and smell a rose and be more present.

Tomorrow is the day I finally, FINALLY find out what treatments I am going to be on. The day I will feel like I am ready to go to war with this lemon. To have a purpose. As of right now, not knowing anything is the worst feeling. Feeling lost, dazed and confused.  

Peace and Love.

 . . . and go smell a flower . . .

 

February 5th

First let me thank my sister for getting me into one of the best programs out there at Yale with Dr. Herbst. I feel lucky. Hope he feels lucky too.  : )  

Waiting . . . waiting . . . waiting . . . the hardest part . . . I think . . . of this entire process.

I had a PET scan on Friday and they are also growing my tissue samples from the lemon in my lung. This will tell them what kind of treatment will work best with my genetic makeup. 

FYI, there is a lot of Dr. words and scientific sentences I am sure I will mess up but I am a newbie and just trying to figure it all out. So please be patient with me.  : ) 

Tuesday is supposed to be the big day . . . the reveal . . . I will find out if there are any more cancer bits in my chest. They said my lymph nodes are swollen and possibly have cancer in them (we'll know from PET scan Tuesday) and also what type of cancer we are dealing with here.

I imagine I will go immediately into radiation to make the lemon smaller so I can breathe better and stop this annoying cough. I feel like people look at me like I have been a smoker since I was born. Yes . . . that bad. 

I will be in touch after Tuesday to let everyone know the next steps. Radiation will be 5 days a week for 6 weeks, and then one of the other treatments. I am hoping I match up with the one that I can take a magic pill and this nightmare will all just go away. Fingers and toes crossed for that one.